The Secrets of Trusting a Man (and Yourself)

Women have the natural instinct to bond with and help each other in a very different way than males do. In a way, a woman alone is never alone. She lives in a world of sisters. It’s wonderful that women are so tied to each other and supportive of each other.  What is the source of this sisterhood, this bond of trust among women? It stands to reason that when we say that a person “trusts” someone or something – like their spouse, or significant other, or their best buddy, or their job status – they are most often referring to what is happening right now. Their spouse is out on the town with friends, and they say, “I trust them.” The best friend has just borrowed a great deal of money, and they say, “I trust them, implicitly.”

We talk about confidence in a different way than we talk about trust. Confidence seems to span past, present and future. We often say, “He is confident,” or “She sure is reliable.” Being reliable implies enduring confidence. Confidence is a characteristic in her, about her and carried with her from the past and into the future. Her confidence leads to a feeling of security. In fact, a feeling of security could even be called “faith.” People can have faith in God, certainly, but also faith in our friends, our family, and ultimately, faith in ourselves.

Trust = Confidence = Security = Faith = Believing.

It’s pretty clear that if you can muster faith in something about the future, you can feel more secure. And if you can feel more secure about what you have built in your past, then you can feel more confident about the future. If you can find sources of confidence in the story of your life, you can certainly feel more trusting that what you are dealing with right now will go quite well.

It all comes from courage.

Courage is the decision to do what is uncomfortable because it is the right thing to do to solve a problem. You are alone when you do courage. Nobody will help you prior to your moment of courage. This is one feature of what in ages past, used to be called “initiation” into adulthood. This is most thoroughly covered in the MindOS Mastery Program. It is drilled down deep into within the Attack Anxiety Program.

I recently spoke with a woman who went out to look for a new job after spending 5 years without having a job. There must have been something about this woman that convinced her that it was a sensible question to ask. After being homeless and ill, some spirit arose in her that said, “Time to get back to work.” She was certain that it was possible, or she wouldn’t have even bothered to look into what jobs she might qualify for, how to get a place of her own, her resume together, and jobs that would suit her.


She had the courage to ask questions. She believed in herself enough.

I said, “So what is it about you that makes you want to get a job, and what makes you think you’re ready?”

She said, “Well for one, I’ve taken quite a few courses on computer programs. I can do a lot of things now. Secretarial skills, word processing, spreadsheets, working with numbers, words… and I’m very good with people. I’ve had a lot of experience with difficult people too.”
She had the courage to learn, which is the same as the courage to risk not understanding something, to be too slow a learner, or not able to turn it into action. She had faith in her knowledge, both the book-learning, and the street-smarts.

“That makes sense,” I said. “What else is there about you that makes you dare to ask the question?”

“Well, it’s a God thing,” she said, something that normally makes my eyes glaze over, because it is often said without any thought or authenticity, as if read from a script rather than coming from one’s own, original depth.

She continued: “I’ve been thinking about it a lot, wondering if I’m ready, and bouncing the idea off of Him, I’ve realized that it’s time. I just know, and God has seen me through many other things – my illness, my divorce, the times in the street…”

She had used a mature faith that had given her a personal security – a track record of surviving – centered on her faith in a higher power. Benjamin Franklin’s “God helps those who help themselves” came up.

She had dreams. Those things that we are so quick to call unrealistic, and not very practical. But that’s what they were for her, and they spurred her to want to do something that some would say she can’t. She dreamt of having a retirement savings again, even though she was near the age of retirement.

Our methods of building confidence, trust, security, faith and belief include four things:

1. The courage to ask questions of yourself and others.

2. The courage that draws from your spiritual life, and if you see fit, your Higher Power.

3. The courage to learn, and to try to understand things that you don’t… yet.

4. The courage to dream of what you want for yourself.

For many of us, number four is the most unexpected. To let your dreams inspire you to do the other things – to ask, to learn, to pull faith, and finally to try – to then do the actions necessary after learning a new skill, having a new goal. It all began with the dreams. They are the ultimate way to find confidence, trust, security and faith from out of thin air.

by Paul Dobransky MD


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